Learning to Notice My Anger
I want to share a small truth, so you can understand where these thoughts come from.
Sometimes, I feel very angry. Not the kind of anger that shouts right away, but the kind that stays hidden. I often stay quiet and let other people do what they want. I don’t complain. I don’t argue. I tell myself everything is fine. But inside, the anger slowly grows.
When I keep my feelings inside for too long, they turn into bad feelings—toward the situation, toward other people, and toward myself. The hardest part is that this anger does not always come out in the right place. Instead of speaking up to the person who caused it, I sometimes release it on people who are smaller or closer to me.
Sometimes, that person is my son. He might make a small mistake, like not listening right away, and suddenly my anger feels much bigger than the moment. He doesn’t deserve that. I know this happens because he feels safe to me, and because I am stronger. That is a painful thing to notice, but an important one.
I ask myself why I do this. One reason is fear. I am afraid of upsetting people or ruining peace. I am afraid of being laughed at or judged. But the biggest reason may be that I don’t always feel good about myself. I don’t always feel like my feelings matter. I don’t always feel worthy of speaking up.
So I know I need to grow. I need to learn to believe in myself more. I need to learn how to say what I feel in a calm and honest way. I have studied the mind and emotions for many years, and I know change takes time. I remind myself that growing does not mean being perfect. It means paying attention.
People say that noticing is the first step. Sitting quietly and breathing can help. But I also want to listen to myself during the day. I will check in with my feelings and give them a number, from one to ten. I will notice what is happening around me when those feelings change. Little by little, I will learn my own patterns.
I do this because I want to be kinder. I do this because I don’t want to hurt the people I love. I do this because I want to be better than yesterday.
And also—because I don't want to break anymore iPad. 😊
~ Bai, Wednesday, January 28, 2026, NorCal