Practicing Stoicism: On Wanting

16 Feb, 2026

I want to have friends, be surrounded by people, and not be lonely. I want to be significant to others, to be a relevant contributor to their lives. I want to feel important—so that people look up to me, rely on me, and think of me as a decent person.

But what here is within my control, and what isn’t? If I try to control something that is not in my control, I might end up miserable and sad, which can lead to depression. So let’s break things down and analyze this:

Is said: “I want to have friends, be surrounded by people, and not be lonely.” ~ Fair enough. Everyone wants to have friends. We are social animals, after all. It’s part of our genetics and evolutionary adaptation to be social and part of a community. People who are isolated and alone don’t last long, back in the day.

I said: “I want to be significant to others, to be a relevant contributor to their lives.” ~ Sure. It’s okay to want to be a relevant contributor and to add value to others. This is up to me. What is not up to me is how others will view me. Whether they see me as significant to their lives—or not—is not up to me. I can try, within the limits of my ability, to be significant. I can do my best and put in effort to help others and be significant to them, but whether they think of me as significant to their lives is not up to me. I can’t control others.

I said: “I want to feel important—that people look up to me, rely on me, and think of me as a decent person.” ~ How people think of me is beyond my control. I can influence things to a certain degree through my ability to make friends and shape how others see me—I can put effort into this. And people might look up to me, rely on me, and think of me as a decent person. That part is up to them. I cannot force anyone to rely on me, think of me in a certain way, or look up to me. People are independent, with their own thoughts and agendas in life. Many times, they have their own issues to deal with. They also have their own histories and experiences, which can shape how they view the world and how they view me. People may have been traumatized by others who look like me, just as my perception of certain people has been shaped by my past experiences with their group. How people think, form opinions, and experience the world is not up to me, and that can affect my experience with them. So I shouldn’t desire for people to look up to me, rely on me, or think of me in a certain way. I can wish to feel important, but that will ultimately depend on how I see myself, not on others.

~ Bai, Sunday, October 19, 2025, NorCal